Tried and Tried and Tried again

In the Disclosure Community (ET Disclosure), I tried for two years to be involved with it. But what I keep finding is a total lack of 'now' presence and too much 'Waiting for Disclosure to happen'. It's great that people out there are pushing for it to happen, the people involved with CE-5 to name at least one group.

But too many others are putting up fights, starting arguments, people are posting more anticipation of Disclosure than actual Disclosure and people are praising Trump saying he's going to be the one to instigate the Disclosure just because 'someone' said he was not involved with the Cabal. Don't get me started on THAT subject. People on my Facebook page already know how I feel about him. I'm soooo done with that bastard. Moving on...

No one is living in the moment. (Including me.)

Many are, don't get me wrong, but the 'atmosphere' of the Disclosure Community is more 'Seeking for what WILL happen' as opposed to living in the 'now.'

I get exhausted trying to sort through all the negativity and bitchiness. This last week I've chosen to simply focus on my Wicca journey, my scriptwriting, and my new awareness of Self: The fact I am Asexual.

I think Ascension will happen for each one person individually and that we have to live our lives NOW not in anticipation of what COULD happen tomorrow or even within the next hour. What are you doing in the NOW to make YOURSELF a better person. I realize the world sucks right now, but waiting for Ascension or the ETs to manifest to humanity is not going to make it better. We each have to move on with our lives as they are in this exact moment.

I've removed myself from the Law of One groups, the Ascension groups, the Disclosure and ET groups... because it's too easy to lose oneself in the hysteria of waiting for the world to get better, rather than doing what each of us can do here and now to help ourselves become better people. And if we did that... wouldn't Disclosure happen sooner anyway?

Just a thought.

I Don't Get It...

So, it appears there's a battle going on between the LGBTQ Community and Asexuality Community. I don't rightly understand what the problem is as I only recently discovered I am Asexual and the terms used, the acronyms and what-not, are foreign to me. I don't get it.

I just know that Asexuals, simply because they don't desire sex are not considered identified with the LGBTQ Community because we are not considered a persecuted sexuality. (This is from what I've read around the Web so far.)

The thing is, we ARE a sexuality... there's no denying it. It has to do with sexual attraction or lack thereof, and as a result ACES (the term used for Asexuals) are in fact being persecuted by manner of being ignored and pushed aside. We, to many people, don't count, it seems.

For the record, Aces vary in 'attractions'. Some don't even desire romance, some do. Some desire specific connections, others don't... there's a vast number of levels regarding Asexuality it appears. I, for one, am heteroromantic. I do not desire sex, but I wouldn't mind a romantic relationship with another Asexual heteroromantic man.

There are those that desire romance with either sex. The list goes on and on and on and labels are being attached everyday to other sexualities. I just learned a new term the other day I had no idea existed: Abrosexual. One who fluidly moves from one gender attraction to another as the moment strikes. (I hope I'm getting that definition right.)

ACES are very much pro LGBTQ (and so on), we seek to recognize ALL sexualities, even heterosexuality. But, because we don't desire sex, and many of us don't desire relationships, we are considered not qualified to be part of their community. We are, after all, not being persecuted by others to the extent they are. I can see their argument, but what ACES, at least as far as I can tell, ARE trying to do is be seen and understood. Too many of those pushing against ACES are in fact exercising their own form of persecution against another 'sexuality'. Instead of seeing us as a specific form of sexuality, many see us as simply abnormal. (Is that not a type of persecution?) I've heard of Asexuals being raped to 'fix the problem.' Harrassed; "Oh, I can fix that for you. You just haven't found the right person." Or simply waved off--"You're just suffering from Post Abuse trauma, you just need to get over it and deal." "It's just a phase, you'll get over it in time." And other brush-off responses.

As I said, I only recently learned I'm Asexual and so the territory is new, the terminology is new, the stigma associated with this orientation is new. I'm still learning, but what I don't get is how many feel because we don't desire sex, or that if ACES desire relationships with members of the opposite gender, we as heteroromantic ACES are truly 'straight'.  I saw a blog piece where so many terms were used it had my head spinning. This piece was to argue AGAINST ACES being part of the LGBTQ Community. Because many of us are, in their eyes, considered 'Straight', or we haven't received the type of persecution they've received, being put down by religion, politics, etc. I can see their point, but only to a point.

I don't get it all, yet. I'm discovering terms I've never stumbled across before. I'm still researching and it's causing headaches. I mean it's literally making me wonder what is the fuss about? If there is even ONE sexual orientation that experiences persecution because they're different, no matter the level of persecution, should we not all ban together to support each other? Why must there be a specific form or level of persecution reached in order to be considered part of a community? As though we have to earn merit badges to become a member of an 'In' Club?

This in no way means I'm disavowing any form of persecution the Gay and Transgender Community experiences, I support them in their right to be who they are 100%, and would run to intervene in any bashing going on in front of me, but prejudice seems to run rampant in ALL groups. And that, to me, is not helping any situation get any better.

Just my thoughts for now. As I said, I'm still learning about this new area of my life. I just hate to see this situation even being a situation at all.

Hugs and love,
-Janalyn

Journey to EmbrACE who I am. (Part 1)

When I was in the first grade, I suffered an accident on the playground monkey bars during recess. I fell and landed in a straddled position on a step-bar. I believe, though I have never even considered this until recently, that I may have fractured my pubic bone as a result. There's no diagnosis to verify it, I don't think there can be after 45+ years, but….

The reason I mention this incident will become clear in future posts.

About a year later after my mom divorced an alcoholic dad. When I was in second grade she married another man who at first made my brother and I feel like we were the be all and end all of his existence. He made my mom feel that way, too. He wanted a family, or so we thought. Mostly he wanted child slaves and a woman he could control through fear.

He also wanted a child to 'play with'. Around the age of 7 began the cycle of a five-year sexual abuse scenario with a year off in between when my mom tried to leave this man the first time. It's a bit complicated time-wise. Let me clear things up.

Mom married this step-fucker (you've heard of step-monsters for step-mothers? My step-fathers don't deserve even THAT title. Step-fuckers is about right, yeah), in I believe it was 1971. I'm a bit confused as to the year due to loss of memory due to the traumas my brother and I experienced as a result of this man. We moved to Oklahoma from California about two weeks after they got married and it took us about a week to get to our destination. When we got there, it was during the last two weeks of school, which there was no point in enrolling my brother and I as we would only have had two weeks left of second grade for me. (Though we did attend Summer school during that year to make up for lost time during the move and missing the final two weeks of school.) My older brother would have been in fourth grade.

It was between 71 and 72 that my mom divorced Step-fucker #1 and we moved back to alcoholic biological father in Colorado Springs for a year. During this time at the age of 9, I suffered a severe horseback riding accident where I fell off a galloping horse and landed on my upper back and hit my head, causing a major concussion. I would later develop arthritis in the neck vertebrae resulting in what would be termed 'Military Neck', where the natural curve of the vertebrae disappears making the cervical vertebrae straight. Degenerating discs on top of this. The pain truly began in 1983 and has never stopped. Sometimes, thankfully very rarely, it gets so bad that it's like flame shooting up into my head and making me wish for death. I've suffered such levels of pain at least 4 times in my life since the onset of the condition. It's enough to become suicidal as NOTHING helps the pain to fade off except time. No pain killers, no bed rest, no NOTHING. As I said those instances are rare, but the chronic level of pain on a stage from 1-5 (5 being suicidal) I'm at a steady 3.

Ironically the only time I didn't feel any pain at all was the day after my first time ever getting drunk at the age of 52. My friend made sure I drank enough water to keep me from having a hangover the next morning. No hangover and absolutely NO PAIN. I can't tell you what THAT felt like. Unfortunately, by the time I went to bed the effects wore off and the pain returned, but for a day I was FREED. I've not gotten drunk since (I'm 54 now), but sometimes I do wish for the pain relieving effects of marijuana or Jack Daniels (plus water) to ward off the pain. I'm many times sorely tempted. 😉 

Mind you, this is all a background history to build up to other areas of my life, so hang in there… more to follow in future posts. Trust me, it's all leading up to REVELATIONS and not the kind from the Bible. 😊 To be continued….