I've Discovered What and Who I am -- Now What?

Last night I went out with two of my friends, Dawn and Jennifer. We went to Starbucks and spoke of our sexualities. In discovering I am Inter-Gray Gender/Non-Binary (on top of being Asexual/Aromantic) I had no idea what I was to do with this knowledge. Where do I go? What do I do? I discovered what I am and why I'm attracted to certain relationships between men, but not anything between men and women, or women and women (and I'm female.) Now what?

I write Bromance (Brother-friendship) stories and I write Gay Romance. I spoke of this in my previous post. My friend Jennifer is putting together her website to bring people in to help them realize their 'Why' and their purpose. She linked a story I submitted to a former website of How Music Heals. (We're taking a bit of a detour here on this post, going the long way around, but bear with me.) 

This story spoke of how Led Zeppelin helped me fight cancer. (Link to this story is below.) I submitted it in 2014 after I had met Jimmy Page and gave him a letter explaining how his music helped me during a severe cancer situation I went through in 2010-2011. A few years later I went in search of that link and found it had been taken down. Well, I thought that was it. The site was down, the story lost. I never tried to see if it went up somewhere else, there was no redirect link given. Well, okay then. Move along. It served its purpose for the time it was up.

Jennifer, who helped me manifest meeting Jimmy Page, pulled up a link on her cell phone as we talked. "Is this your story? I wanted to make sure it's all there as I'm linking it to my website." When I saw that my story had been posted on the Official Led Zeppelin Forum I was both pleased and surprised. I went through the story and said, "Yes, that's it! I thought it was gone!" I handed the phone back to her and she scrolled down. "You got a lot of comments, really positive comments!" She let me read them and I broke into tears. The comments from people totally blessed me!

Dawn took my hand. "People love you, Jan! You need to tell your stories! You need to put your truth out there!" 

I was honestly in shock, tears, no tears, surprised and calm at the same time. What was happening? We were done with our snacks and we'd sat there for about an hour and it was getting dark. One of the comments was a man who had quoted a line from Led Zeppelin's "Achilles' Last Stand", the song I spoke about in my story. "The mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the earth." To be truthful it was that comment that pulled the tears out of me completely. They were just under the surface until I hit that one comment, and then I couldn't hold them back.

I let out a heavy breath. "I need to listen to my song. Let's split." They all jumped off their chairs with me and we headed out to the car. I plugged in my MP3 player and found Led Zeppelin's "Presence" and hit "Achilles' Last Stand." It poured out of the speakers. 

Another comment was from a woman who said how she was listening to "Achilles' Last Stand" just as she read my story. (Interesting. As I was typing that just now, the word 'Mystery' flew across my mind. My story = Mystery. Weird.) 

In this area, the realization my story was still up, especially on the Led Zeppelin Forum and all the comments given that were positive and wonderfully loving... and my desire to speak of 'Bromance' and how I believe brother-friendships... MALE relationships are so damn important for our society... I began to understand a bit more of how to use my voice for my passions. For so long I've felt like my stories have no place in this world... because I felt like I had no place in this world, that I had nothing to really offer. But maybe I do. Maybe now that I understand why I'm Non-Binary + Inter-Gray Gender... maybe my love of Male Relationships... be they Straight or Gay or anything in between... maybe this is where I truly need to focus my voice. 

I'm a script writer. I have stories I would like to see on TV in either long or short-term series.

So -- what is your story? Find yourselves, babies. Find yourselves and your voice and speak. In NaNoWriMo, their motto is: The World Needs Your Novel. Well, the world needs your story(ies). Find your voice and start sharing!

Namaste'!

How Led Zeppelin Helped Me Fight Cancer 

The Journey of Discovery Continues...

2 years ago, at the age of 54, I discovered I am Asexual. Within that same year I discovered I am also Aromantic (to some extent. Please keep reading to understand what I mean.) These realizations helped me to become who I am as a writer and a spiritual seeker. It also made me more comfortable with myself. When you've gone over 50 years believing something is wrong with you, and then you discover 'labels' that identify your 'inner workings' you become relieved, liberated... accepting of yourself, finally understanding there's nothing truly wrong with you. Others feel the way you do, look at relationships (or sex) the way you do and you understand you're not alone, you're not broken. It's who and what you are.

You breathe. You relax. You EmbrACE who you are and you find a new path to follow for yourself based on this newly discovered information.

But for the last two years, realizing I am both Asexual and Aromantic left me open to even more questioning as to why I feel certain ways about certain things.

I was born female. Physically, I associate with that gender... but not inwardly. This is not saying I'm masculine or transexual/transgender. But... in the last few days I've discovered the term 'Non-Binary.' (That's the yellow, white, purple, black-striped flag to the right of the picture. Asexual flag to the left and Aromantic flag in the middle.)

Why do I feel I am Non-Binary? Well, it came from the definition itself: Identifying neither as female or male. No gender identification. I don't believe I am Gender Fluid, but I am under the Gender Queer umbrella. I don't fluctuate between genders, though. How I would describe myself is stuck in the middle of both masculine and feminine. Why did I come to this conclusion? Because of where my heart goes when talking about femininity or masculinity. As I said I identify as a woman, but a woman who is Non-Binary. So my pronouns are She/Her, but that identification is only on the 'physical' aspect of my person. My spirit is rather a bit more muddled. 

I'm Aromantic in the sense I feel NOTHING when it comes to male-female relationships. I'm not desirous to have one on a romance level. My Asexuality speaks for itself on that score. I do not desire to fall in love, or have sex with a man. I am also not a Lesbian. I am not attracted in anyway to women. 

HOWEVER....

I am EXTREMELY attracted to men who love men. Be they straight (such as in a brother-friendship relationships) or Gay (as in Romance, but again... the sex does nothing for me, so I skip the sexual content of any books written for the Gay Romance genre'. I do, however, enjoy any intimacy they may perform: Hugging, kissing, touching.) So, I'm Aromantic for female relationships of any kind, though I am female. But I'm all over Gay Romance or even deeply bonded male friendships, where intimacy of touch or heart-felt conversation can move me to tears. I can actually FEEL that connection, whereas I cannot feel it with female/male or even female/female relationships. (The closest I've gotten to feeling anything between females was Xena and Gabrielle. That's it. But that resulted only after the first four seasons of the show. Nothing since the show ended.)

Now... that being said, when I've questioned why I can feel such a bond between men, but not between men and women or between women, what does that mean? I look at how I dress: Jeans, Tees and tennis shoes. I don't care about my 'feminine' appearance. I hate wearing makeup and as long as I and my clothes are clean, there you have it. I may put on makeup and dress up... SOMETIMES, but it takes great effort on my part to do so. 

I'm also a slob and for years realized that I am simply NOT marriage material. I get angry and sometimes sit like men do. I basically have feminine and masculine characteristics. Been that way all of my life. And the areas of attraction verses non-attraction are key. I may have the female angle somewhat down more than the male on the outside, but inwardly I feel stuck between the two as far as what gender is and how it's embraced by the individual. 

This is why I believe I am Non-Binary in the inner depths of my knowing. I used to joke about being a Gay man trapped inside a female body, yet as a woman I have no desire to be in any sort of relationship with a man outside of friendship. 

Anyway, as I went over the definition of Non-Binary, it made complete sense to me. I'm still researching this area of who and what I am, but for now... I'm happy realizing this could answer many questions I've had for many, many years. I'm an Asexual/Aromantic/Non-Binary woman. My pronouns are She/Her... or They/Them, is okay, too. 

If these areas of sexuality and gender identification had been taught to me earlier in my life... it would have saved me some major confusion, heartbreak, and self-esteem issues. 

Please, if people you know are questioning who and what they are, support them. You may not understand their questioning of such things, but it will truly help them to know they CAN question and it's okay. 

Finding out who and what you really are is liberating and fulfilling, it also eases fears that something may be wrong with you when in reality you're just made and wired differently than others. It doesn't mean you're broken... it means you're who you are and that's all that matters. 

Take care! 💖