2 years ago, at the age of 54, I discovered I am Asexual. Within that same year I discovered I am also Aromantic (to some extent. Please keep reading to understand what I mean.) These realizations helped me to become who I am as a writer and a spiritual seeker. It also made me more comfortable with myself. When you've gone over 50 years believing something is wrong with you, and then you discover 'labels' that identify your 'inner workings' you become relieved, liberated... accepting of yourself, finally understanding there's nothing truly wrong with you. Others feel the way you do, look at relationships (or sex) the way you do and you understand you're not alone, you're not broken. It's who and what you are.
You breathe. You relax. You EmbrACE who you are and you find a new path to follow for yourself based on this newly discovered information.
But for the last two years, realizing I am both Asexual and Aromantic left me open to even more questioning as to why I feel certain ways about certain things.
I was born female. Physically, I associate with that gender... but not inwardly. This is not saying I'm masculine or transexual/transgender. But... in the last few days I've discovered the term 'Non-Binary.' (That's the yellow, white, purple, black-striped flag to the right of the picture. Asexual flag to the left and Aromantic flag in the middle.)
Why do I feel I am Non-Binary? Well, it came from the definition itself: Identifying neither as female or male. No gender identification. I don't believe I am Gender Fluid, but I am under the Gender Queer umbrella. I don't fluctuate between genders, though. How I would describe myself is stuck in the middle of both masculine and feminine. Why did I come to this conclusion? Because of where my heart goes when talking about femininity or masculinity. As I said I identify as a woman, but a woman who is Non-Binary. So my pronouns are She/Her, but that identification is only on the 'physical' aspect of my person. My spirit is rather a bit more muddled.
I'm Aromantic in the sense I feel NOTHING when it comes to male-female relationships. I'm not desirous to have one on a romance level. My Asexuality speaks for itself on that score. I do not desire to fall in love, or have sex with a man. I am also not a Lesbian. I am not attracted in anyway to women.
HOWEVER....
I am EXTREMELY attracted to men who love men. Be they straight (such as in a brother-friendship relationships) or Gay (as in Romance, but again... the sex does nothing for me, so I skip the sexual content of any books written for the Gay Romance genre'. I do, however, enjoy any intimacy they may perform: Hugging, kissing, touching.) So, I'm Aromantic for female relationships of any kind, though I am female. But I'm all over Gay Romance or even deeply bonded male friendships, where intimacy of touch or heart-felt conversation can move me to tears. I can actually FEEL that connection, whereas I cannot feel it with female/male or even female/female relationships. (The closest I've gotten to feeling anything between females was Xena and Gabrielle. That's it. But that resulted only after the first four seasons of the show. Nothing since the show ended.)
Now... that being said, when I've questioned why I can feel such a bond between men, but not between men and women or between women, what does that mean? I look at how I dress: Jeans, Tees and tennis shoes. I don't care about my 'feminine' appearance. I hate wearing makeup and as long as I and my clothes are clean, there you have it. I may put on makeup and dress up... SOMETIMES, but it takes great effort on my part to do so.
I'm also a slob and for years realized that I am simply NOT marriage material. I get angry and sometimes sit like men do. I basically have feminine and masculine characteristics. Been that way all of my life. And the areas of attraction verses non-attraction are key. I may have the female angle somewhat down more than the male on the outside, but inwardly I feel stuck between the two as far as what gender is and how it's embraced by the individual.
This is why I believe I am Non-Binary in the inner depths of my knowing. I used to joke about being a Gay man trapped inside a female body, yet as a woman I have no desire to be in any sort of relationship with a man outside of friendship.
Anyway, as I went over the definition of Non-Binary, it made complete sense to me. I'm still researching this area of who and what I am, but for now... I'm happy realizing this could answer many questions I've had for many, many years. I'm an Asexual/Aromantic/Non-Binary woman. My pronouns are She/Her... or They/Them, is okay, too.
If these areas of sexuality and gender identification had been taught to me earlier in my life... it would have saved me some major confusion, heartbreak, and self-esteem issues.
Please, if people you know are questioning who and what they are, support them. You may not understand their questioning of such things, but it will truly help them to know they CAN question and it's okay.
Finding out who and what you really are is liberating and fulfilling, it also eases fears that something may be wrong with you when in reality you're just made and wired differently than others. It doesn't mean you're broken... it means you're who you are and that's all that matters.
Take care! 💖
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